I felt relief… and then guilt hit
The first day I dropped my son off at school, my body did something I didn’t expect.
It softened.
Like my whole nervous system just… downshifted.
No one touching me.
No constant questions.
No needing to be “on” every second.
Just space.
And I remember thinking later that day—
that felt really good.
Because no one really talks about this part
We hear a lot about:
- missing your child
- crying at drop-off
- how fast they grow up
But no one really says:
“I needed that break more than I want to admit.”
Especially as a single mum.
Because when you’re the only one there, all the time, holding everything…
there’s no off switch.
So when something finally gives you space—
even if it’s not perfectly aligned with your values—
you feel both relief and guilt at the same time.
The second day was harder
He resisted more.
He told me his body fills up with energy and he finds it hard to sit still.
And I knew exactly what he meant.
He’s not built to sit for hours.
He needs movement.
He needs outside.
He needs space to explore, not be contained.
And then there are the little things that don’t make sense to me:
- having to tie his hair back when it bothers him
- being expected to sit still for long periods
- being told how to hold a pencil when his body might not be ready yet
It makes you question everything. And this is what lead us down the path of full time traveling and why i left the 9-5 lifestyle.
Was school ever designed for kids like him?
Or was it designed for something else entirely?
Structure.
Routine.
Compliance.
A system that works for the majority… but not necessarily for every child.
And definitely not for the ones who:
- feel everything deeply
- need movement to regulate
- don’t naturally fit into boxes
So then you’re left asking:
Am I doing the right thing by sending him?
Find 11 alternative education methods here.
And here’s where it gets messy
Because at the same time…
I also know:
- he’ll enjoy parts of it
- he needs social interaction
- he’s curious and will learn things
And if I’m really honest—
I need the space.
Not just to clean the house or sit on my laptop…
But to actually come back to myself.
To think clearly again.
To regulate my own nervous system.
To feel like a woman, not just a constant caregiver.
This is the part that creates the guilt
It’s not really about school.
It’s about this belief:
“If I choose something that supports me… I might be letting him down.”
And that’s a heavy place to sit.
Because as mums—especially solo mums—we’ve been wired to give everything.
Even when we’re running on empty.
But here’s what I’m starting to see
There is no perfect solution.
There’s no version where:
- your child is fully free, wild, and supported
and - you are fully rested, regulated, and resourced
At least… not all the time.
So instead of perfect alignment—
what we’re really doing is choosing:
what supports both of us the most, right now.
And right now, this is what that looks like
School is:
- giving him stimulation and social time
- exposing him to new environments
- offering things I can’t always provide every single day
And it’s giving me:
- space to breathe
- time to stabilise my life
- capacity to think about the bigger picture again
That matters.
More than I wanted to admit at first.
It doesn’t mean I agree with everything
I still question:
- how long they sit
- how early structure is enforced
- whether some things are developmentally pushed too soon
And I probably always will.
But I don’t need to fully agree with the system to use it as a tool.
This is the balance no one really explains
It’s not:
school vs no school
It’s:
How do I use this without losing what I believe in?
For me, that means:
- letting school be one part of his world—not all of it
- making home the place where he can move, explore, and just be
- not over-correcting or forcing development where it’s not ready
And most importantly—
checking in with how we’re both actually doing, not what it “should” look like.
The guilt still shows up
It probably will for a while.
But I’m starting to see it differently.
Not as a sign I’m doing something wrong—
But as a sign I care deeply.
And I’m paying attention.
If you’re feeling this too…
If you’ve ever dropped your child off and felt:
- relief
- space
- and then immediate guilt
You’re not alone.
And you’re not a bad parent for needing a break.
You’re a human being… raising another human being.
And sometimes the most supportive thing you can do—
is make sure you’re not completely depleted in the process.
Where this is leading me
Right now, I’m not making this a forever decision.
I’m observing.
Adjusting.
Letting it evolve.
Because I don’t believe in forcing a life that doesn’t feel right—
for him or for me.
And maybe that’s the real work here.
Not finding the perfect system.
But learning how to stay aware enough to keep choosing what feels true.
If you’re a mum navigating burnout, guilt, and trying to build a life that actually feels aligned…
I’ll be sharing more of this journey—along with the tools that are helping me regulate, reset, and rebuild something different.
You can follow along here, or join my email list when it’s ready.